I'm pants shitting drunk right now
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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