$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
