duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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