Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
