I'm really into asian looking animals
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That accounts for only three of the penises
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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