I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
one two three fourrrrnication!
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize