i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
