They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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