Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
