Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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