Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
