not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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