Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
