The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
