just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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