when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
When are your genitals available?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
