I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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