then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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