Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
