It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
