She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
