So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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