I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
