There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
