if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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