I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
In America we eat man semen.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
