2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
