so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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