Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
