i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm just crazy horny about you
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
