I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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