DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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