Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
