The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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