During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
