haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
