he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
