I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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