when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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