dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
zippers are such a cool invention
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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