According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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