i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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