i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
