I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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