I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
