Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
