I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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