You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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