Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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