maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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