I'm so fucking centered right now
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
