If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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