he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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