Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
