I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
