she was so not down for the gang bang
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
