Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
