Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
