this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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