i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
