I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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