You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
