I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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